Story vs. Statistics

Which opening paragraph would you choose:

THIS…

“Every year, on average, 253 people spend their last days in the Palliative Care Unit here at Lions Gate Hospital. You can help make their final days easier by contributing to our $1.5 million campaign to renovate the ward – to make it a brighter, cheerier place.

“As you read the enclosed letter from someone whose mother recently passed away here, I want you to try for a moment to think of the unthinkable: What if it was somebody you know and love in one of our beds?…”

OR THIS…

“I was walking down the hallway in our Palliative Care Unit when I heard bright laughter coming from one of our patients as she joked with her grandchildren.

“I stopped to listen for a moment, not because laughter is such a rare sound around here, but because it was such a powerful reminder of what we do for our palliative care patients at Lions Gate Hospital.

“Their laughter told me that we have created a safe and caring place for terminally ill people and their loved ones to share their feeling during their precious final days together….”

WELL?

The first opening has specifics, a motherhood issue and a campaign target…. But it’s like the beginning to nearly every other fund raising letter you read. Ironically, it’s lifeless.

The second opening has something irresistible -- story.

People love stories. And in my years in direct marketing, I’ve never found anything that could out-pull a good story. So whenever I can, I try to weave stories into my writing – whether it’s a fund raising campaign, an offer of financial services, or a lead generation piece for a high tech marketer.

(see the next blog entry for the full letter...)